This trip is about finding myself in solitude, to escape the perpetual loneliness and coming to terms with it, as well as being the perpetual outsider, finding my self-confidence, finding my mojo again. It is like I lost passion for life. I have been in this cycle of devaluing my role in things primarily because of my constant self doubt. And of course there is losing folks along the journey we call life.
So why am I in this cycle of self-doubt? I was told by multiple people to devaluing my role in things and I have seen all these things usually in dreams, but here I am in this constant self-doubt, why is that? Well it is feels like I have been hitting walls, and I mean hard, and this past year I just decided not to get up, and on top of that I have a habit of not forgiving myself for not getting up, when I finally hit rock bottom.
In Haiti, I returned with diarrhea after dealing with it for a month. Literally felt I shitted out my entire life force/mojo. I hit total rock bottom, swimming in a pool of depression, bringing back along with it a heap load of anxiety. I was told by a friend that most of our serotonin is produced in our gut. I was like great I obviously shitted it all of mine out. So is this mean the depression was physical or emotions, or spiritual, well I would say it is all three.
So why has it taken me so long to get here where I am actually doing something about it, well it comes down to it, I didn’t think I deserved healing, I didn’t deserve to feel good about my body, or deserve the time to put in to finally feel good about myself. And also doubted my ability to my very core, doubted my visions which inturn made me sick. Big shout outs to Pamela and Zainab who always reminded me that when I was at my lowest.
So again that brings me back to why I am here on the other side of the world. North America apparently makes me crazy if I don’t leave it for more than a year. So I am finally seeing that the work that needs to be done includes myself, and I know I have been stubborn about it, hard shelled (Cancer) crab about it. So I am finally here to recentere, reground and find comfort finally, through finding solitude.