So, I’m here in Thailand. And I know it has been a minute y’all since my last entry, since I’ve written my last reflections. I know, I know I use to do this twice a year, on the birthday and on the turn of the new year. But there is numerous of reasons why I have been M.I.A which I will share with you from the oher side of the world, in the hopes to pic myself out of this depression that I have been in. So gratefule that I am able to do this trip, and I was given the opportunity to do this trip, via Jenise Solstice Sister and the Universe, thank you.
The Diaspora Travels: Haiti
If folks no me I have been all in on this Haiti Project https://thediasporatravelshaiti.wordpress.com/ since November of 2010, and primarily with no support which really matches the subject on the ground. I knew that going in but it is different intellectually knowing it ahead of time, is different than going through it emotionally trying to sustain the project to the present. Last year I was in Jacmel/Port au Prince for 3 months on a hand to mouth budget, stretching my network to it absolute limit, catching a parasite having diarrea for the last month of the shoot.
The original production crew that came with me throughout the 2011 production fell apart, primarily because of the shoe string budget, and as well as expansion of support to extend to also building support of Saklakwel and Earthship Haiti, because it is more than a film project is also a Community Building Project.
I questioned myself all throughout the process, which continued after I returned to Toronto. My return to Toronto didn’t help didn’t help much. Fell into a deep depression and a wave of other stuff that I didn’t deal with such as loss, and toxic bahaviour which hit me like a ton of bricks, staight hit me in the face and keep me in my room for a year.
The Haiti project came to me in a dream, very few folks know this but it did, came to me in a premonition dream before the Earthquake in Jan 2010, so a year later after the Earthquake found myself in Haiti. But after my return in May 2015, I began to doubt that original vision, which inturn made me further sick. I doubted it despite visions from other folks, (shout outs to Pamela Sova and Zainab Amadahy really for reminding me what I already knew).
Now with Hurricane Matthew, we see that things are on repeat, and my dream actuallyis becoming move and more real, and if I had any doubt that the vision was true, is gone with the winds.
So why did I doubt it, well it is from my other struggle of not valueing myself or trusting my role in things, I was told word via the Ancestors that I tend to make myself small which tends to stall things, so my question here is why do I do this???? Why so much self-doubt?Well I know this project has tested me in every which way, and the rejection from York University, put in a tail spin straight to rock bottom, further into depression. And when I get to that space the anxiety then the cycle of negative self talk and cycle of self-hate. All those people who left me in the past return, to tell me that of course it was because I was disgusting and a massive failure. When I am in that space no one can tell me anything else, and there I stayed for a year and a half.
And I find myself here in Thailand.
Disconnecting from Toronto and Social Media
Toronto is a lonely city, no really it is, it is the city with no memoryy, it is the city of no community, and with the advent of social media, it has made it worse. So need to disconnect from the minutiae of Toronto is real. I’ve realized that I do need to spend at least a few months outside it, or else I lose my mind.
So I am here getting the headspace to do that. Give thanks to the Universe for bringing me here.
Thanks for following the journey.