Reflections of a docuvixen (in Tailand) coming to terms as an Empath

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Beach Time with Phoenix

It was quite an opportuity to spend full time with on the beach with 2 year old, (in Phoenix)  because 1. I was also a beach toddler, spent my whole 2nd year of life in the Caribbean Sea. 2. I have come to realize the synchronisticity in doing this right now.  These past few years, I have come out as an empat, and stopped hidding that fact, as I have in the past. Since the emotional crash at the end of 2014, I have been lost in the emotional pain and turmoil, y’all.  It at times was so overwhelming that it seemed unending. So lost, found my self deep in the middle of a depressing May 2015.

img_25051JUNGLE!!!! Phaeng Waterfall

I lost myself in the pain kinda hold onto it like a life perserver. (Why do we do that tho?) deep in depresion and the thing is not all of the pain was mine, and never usually is. All my life I have felt emotions that weren’t mine felt others around me and the collective pain, and the Earths pain. It isn’t just empathizing I actually feel the emotions as my own, so much so felt like I couldn’t even feel for myself, like I was empty.. invaded with other peoples stuff all the time.

img_25171One mountain view, more to go Phaeng Waterfall

This brings me to being with a 2 year old, because as an empath it seems I am still a toddler, I mean a toddler’s tantrums are just that feeling emotions for the filrs time. All my life i have felt that the world was on my shoulders well it is actually in my gut. I feel collective pain and with the advent of social media it has only gotten worse.

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Phaeng Waterfall

Ask my parents I’e always taken other people’s problems as m own from High School taking people in all the way to today. People staying at my house, I will always bring people home to do so. My cousin always said I attracked the crazy, but the thing is I never really saw anyoine as crazy, I mean pretty much took folks at face value with and empathized without judgement.

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Wat Sritanu (local temple) I see Buddist Monks going for their daily walk every morning on my morning.

The problem is when you run into the energy vampires or sociopaths, who are exhausting, they differ in that often the energy vampires don’t even know that are are that… sociopaths know what they are doing. Learnt that they are cyptonite for empaths, I’ve run into them unfortunately. They are the same as sociopaths in that they are all encompassing in therir own emotional needs and take, take, take, take, and for an unaware empath the automatic is to give, give, give until they have nothing left.  So I had to walk away from friendships, which for me causes me heartbreak, each and every one of them.  So my hope with my time here is to move out of my toddler stage, which brings me back to the sychronicity of this trip, spending my whole trip with a toddler. The hope in this triop is moving forward as an empath out of the toddler stage and be able to be functional with this gift that right now feels like a curse.

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Sunset Hin Kong Beach

Reflections of a Docuvixen – In Thailand

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So, I’m here in Thailand. And I know it has been a minute y’all since my last entry, since I’ve  written my last reflections. I know, I know I  use to do this twice a year, on the birthday and on the turn of the new year. But there is numerous of reasons why I have been M.I.A which I will share with you from the oher side of the world, in the hopes to pic myself out of this depression that I have been in. So gratefule that I am able to do this trip, and I was given the opportunity to do this trip, via Jenise Solstice Sister and the Universe, thank you.

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The Diaspora Travels: Haiti

If folks no me I have been all in on this Haiti Project https://thediasporatravelshaiti.wordpress.com/ since November of 2010, and primarily with no support which really matches the subject on the ground. I knew that going in but it is different intellectually knowing it ahead of time, is different than going through it emotionally trying to sustain the project to the present. Last year I was in Jacmel/Port au Prince for 3 months on a hand to mouth budget, stretching my network to it absolute limit, catching a parasite having diarrea for the last month of the shoot.

The original production crew that came with me throughout the 2011 production fell apart, primarily because of the shoe string budget, and as well as expansion of support to extend to also building support of Saklakwel and Earthship Haiti, because it is more than a film project is also a Community Building Project.

I questioned myself all throughout the process, which continued after I returned to Toronto. My return to Toronto didn’t help didn’t help much. Fell into a deep depression and a wave of other stuff that I didn’t deal with such as loss, and toxic bahaviour which hit me like a ton of bricks, staight hit me in the face and keep me in my room for a year.

The Haiti project came to me in a dream, very few folks know this but it did, came to me in a premonition dream before the Earthquake in Jan 2010, so a year later after the Earthquake found myself in Haiti.  But after my  return in May 2015, I began to doubt that original vision, which inturn made me further sick. I doubted it despite visions from other folks, (shout outs to Pamela Sova and Zainab Amadahy really for reminding me what I already knew).

Now with Hurricane Matthew, we see that things are on repeat, and my dream actuallyis becoming move and more real, and if  I had any doubt that the vision was true, is gone with the winds.

So why did I doubt it, well it is from my other struggle of not valueing myself or trusting my role in things, I was told word via the Ancestors that I tend to make myself small which tends to stall things, so my question here is why do I do this????  Why so much self-doubt?Well I know this project has tested me in every which way, and the rejection from York University, put in a tail spin straight to rock bottom, further into depression.  And when I get to that space the anxiety then the cycle of negative self talk and cycle of self-hate.  All those people who left me in the past return, to tell me that of course it was because I was disgusting and a massive failure. When I am in that space no one can tell me anything else, and there I stayed for a year and a half.

And I find myself here in Thailand.

Disconnecting from Toronto and Social Media

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Toronto is a lonely city, no really it is, it is the city with no memoryy, it is the city of no community, and with the advent of social media, it has made it worse. So need to disconnect from the minutiae of Toronto is real. I’ve realized that I do need to spend at least a few months outside it, or else I lose my mind.

So I am here getting the headspace to do that.  Give thanks to the Universe for bringing me here.

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Thanks for following the journey.